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.X. Doll Face Killer .X.

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[27 Dec 2007|10:44pm]
Honestly.
It is pathetic that I remember what today is.

Is it pathetic that I doing anything not to face the fact that today should have been 19 months?

Does it hurt that....


She didn't call or text today
She probably forgot
She knows and is waiting for me to call but I am too hurt and stubborn and too hurt to call her

....or just knowing who she's going to bed with tonight?
1 Need an Imaginary hero| Call on me...

[22 Dec 2007|07:00pm]
I haven't really left my house all day. I have just been sitting or sleeping. I haven't eaten anything yet either.

It makes me sad how intellectual I used to write when I was in high school or any time before I was so into Monica. I think it wasn't so much Monica but just being in a relationship that made me dumb down. I was so involved in Monica and my relationship with her that I wasn't into my writing. Before I would contemplate about things like what goes on in lives that I wasn't aware or... but now it's like, "Hm... I scratched my ass today". .

I am so fucking just irritated today. So fucking sad.


I honestly feel more alone than I ever have before. Weekends are the worst because everyone works and my family goes out and I am alone.

I dont know what Monica is going to say when she reads these. But this is the last journal entry that you will ge to read. I am tired of being so transparent to you. I am tired of always letting you in.... no wonder I alwaysget so manipulated by you. You know everything about me, but the thing is you still don't understand.

I dont know what I want to do. But the fact that I don't have school or work for the next few days and all my friends have work is not going to help me. I fucking hate the holidays.

I fucking hate so many things. I really do just want to leave and just cry.
Call on me...

2 June 2004 [21 Dec 2007|10:06pm]

I am so sick of all these people, But I am scared to be alone."


I have so much to say but my words seems to fail me... you wouldn't miss me if I was gone... I am not cool. I am not a part of any scene, I am nobody. I am inlove with the idea of falling head over heels in love, no matter how unrealistic that truly is.
Call on me...

I told her I wasn't going to write. [21 Dec 2007|07:31pm]
But she should be used to my lying. Well that isn't true because I am not used to hers. I am just less suprised.

So last night I went to the Crib. Gad I remember why I never go to that damn place any more. It wasn't even like I wanted to go all that bad, I just wanted to go because I didn't want to be in the house any more. I mean, it would have been nice if I had something... anything other to do but I didn't and i wasn't going to sit at home by myself and just think about how she used to be here... and now she's there... with Jing.

Fack.

I am using Crest White Strips... Should this be hurting my gums? I don't know.

So any ways, after an hour of contemplating, Tony and I decided, fuck it... we aren't doing anything any ways so Fiona came and picked us up (random I know... i only see that girl like once every 6 months or so. but I have known her for days). And then we get to the club. I thought it was cute because I was trying to drink at home while waiting for Fiona and I am walking out the door and my mom asks me,

"What's in the bag?"
"It's for Tony."
And then she took it because even though we weren't driving and she is OK with us drinking she didn't want us drinking in the car or be in the car with an opened bottle of alcohol. I wasn't so much mad because I didn't really care. I just thought it was hella cute.

So any ways, it took us hella long to parallel park, but then again I was just impatient because I was cold. And then I was already buzzed... but I think the club killed my buzzed. We stayed in line for a while. You know, I have a hard time reading Fiona. She's flirty but not at the same time. I am not into her or anything like that... no. But I think she is just flirty with me randomly, I dont know if she is just cold and friendly or just friendly flirting? I dont know. she was like cuddling up on me because it was cold outside and I dont want to be a jack ass and be like, "Um... what are you doing?" because what if she was just really cold? Well whatever.

So we get in the club and it was an automatic buzz kill. The only good thing is that I saw HELLA folks from my past. It was Khai, her thing Jan, Mary, Av, Destiny, I saw Rose from High school, I saw Kaymae and her girlfriend... Annie? I saw Stella and her girlfriend Toni and I saw Anjo. I saw Cua and her best friend. I saw Damien... I love that boy. I think he is so adorable. I saw... some of Teya's gay friends. I saw Michelle... Kaymae's best friend who used to think i was cute from Vallejo, she is all "Studded out now". I re-net Paono? I dont know how to spell her name. i dont know why everyone thinks I fucking look like Z, she hella looks like Z. Donna was there too. ASnd Emma from my gay Lit course. And we also saw Tino.

I don't know. I was either not drunk enough or not gay enough. But I wasn't as pissed off as I was when I used to go to the club. I just wasn't having that much fun. But I did have a lot of fun watching people.

I thought it was amusing that I was in the smoking section, and some gay boy taps me and says, "Hey. I know you."
"How?"
"... I think I've smoked with you before. Do you know Aj?"
.... I really need to get the fuck out of the bay area.

So there was this drunk ass girl at the club. What the gay boy said just summarizes it all.
"Ew girl, how you gunna go to the club and get all fucked up? Look at you, just laying out in front of the club throwing up and convulsing and shit. Girl you are in company, and you be looking like a hot mess. Look you don't even have no shoes on or nothing. mm uh... now the ambulance is here. Shiet."

I want to adpot that gay boy.

The Whitening strips are making my drool and it tastes bad.

Khai was drunk and rolling. Tell me why she comes up to me and just hugs me,
"Bes... I am so sorry about what happened with Monica. I tried to stay neutral but what she did was so fucked up. And I didn't handle is right... I'm so sorry bes. I can beat her ass if you want. I mean you are so prettier than Jing." I just rolled my eyes and told her to shut up and walked off. I mean really what the fuck was I going to say? I was just trying to kick it without having to have Monica be brought up but there she was again.

And I was in the smoking section looking at this girl in a bra and panties and hooker boots and I was just talking, "Damn she's hella tall"
And Mary looks over and looks back at me and goes,
"Um... that's not a girl"
I couldn't believe it. She... he... it was very convincing. I really just had a hard time believing it.

Jose was there trying to cause hella drama for Tony. I was irritated with him. I was like Ugh. Whatever.

There was some drama, but whenever it started I would just walk off. I really didn't want to babysit, or any thing. I mean for the most part I didn't even like any one.

We got home about 4am. I didn't call Monica on purpose. She wanted me to call her, but I didn't. I will admit it was half because she used to promise to call or text me when she would get to Sac from work or get to Sac from my house and she would always forget or I would have to check with her and she would be like "yea I am here". But also I didn't because I want to stop being that way with her. The way we are going I can see us being Zendie and Stella and that's not what I want. I would rather not have Monica in my life then go through the longestes 4 year break up thing that they are doing. I know she cares and everything but I... I dont know. I love that she cares but I dont know if I want it. She left me for jing, and now she feels guilty? Now she is going to start giving a damn about what I do? No... I dont want to be like that. When I think about how I want Monica to care for me I want her to care for me and be my girlfriend... and then I think about how that's jing now. That's fucking jing now.

Monica went to another club last night. She said it was lame. Why did I so badly want to tell her to get the fuck used to it because she dates one of the biggest scene kids ever? They always claim to "not be in the scene" but Jing and Monica are just as in the scene as Mary Av and Khai.... who all claim to not be in the scene as well. What the fuck ever. You all go to clubs, whether it is the ones all the downs are at or if you are at a straight up. you are all always drunk off your fucking asses every weekend. You are always on drugs. And then? You bitch about how you are scrapping by life. Fuck I wonder why.

I saw Dom today. It was great. I miss that kid so much. Dom was like my little gay cousin. She was such a homebody before but now she is all city kid. I think that's great though. She really came out of her shell. What's discouraging is the fact that she isn't in the scene at all.. the gay scene, but she knows everyone's business and everyone knows hers, or at least heard of hers. I am just thinking, I can't fucking escape! It was nice to see her though. She knew about the Monica thing. Should I be suprised at all? I dont know. I miss DOm though, I am supposed to go kick it with her next week. We'll see if that happens because Jen will be home next week too and I am hoping to kick it with her the most. And David of course.

SO I know that I want out. I mean I am not really involved with the "scene" in any sense. I don't club. I don't go to the BBq's or the parties or the kick its. I get dragged maybe once in a while, and I have a horrible time each time.
"There's my girlfriend and Christina, god they are so drunk"
"are they going to beat me up for being in the car with you?"
"no. Course not. .........Wait. Lock your doors."
haha that was great though.

But I know that if I do anything because Tony would be in my life until oneof us dies, Khaii is bound to hear about somethings and then if Khai knows something the fucking scene will know. And you know what? I really don't care all that much, I mean their opinions about me just make me feel better because I dont know their shit and I dont care about it either. If they want to know my shit and sit there and talk about it, then I guess I am just something to talk about.

But I just want to move because if I don't I will be in this town forever. This is my hometown and I love it and hate it at the same time. I don't want to be like everyone else in the downescene. The four year community college plan. living at home into my twenties. Working jobs that high school students have. I don't want to be Jing. I don't want to be Wena. I dont want to be any of them. I just want to get out and have a place to come back to and call home, but at least broaden my horizons... I need to get out so bad that I am screaming inside.

This the town I grew up in. I've watched these hills demolished into shopping malls. I have watched class after class graduate. I have watched houses being built on what used to be my playground. I have lost touched with many and watched other's lives change. This is my home, but it can't be where I stay. I need to leave this town. I need to give somewhere else a fucking chance. I don't want to be like her never leaving I've only known and then get stuck here. I don't want to do that. I need to travel. I need to leave.

I know I can move in with Alex and Tiffany for a while. Maybe in 09. Or maybe Sept 08 if I don't get into school. The only thing keeping me is my job. I do NOTHING... and it is amazing. I love it I make more money then a some parents... and do a hell of a lot less then my friends. I dont know. I can't wait to leave for Amsterdam. I am going to be so lonely but I need it. I wish I could take Tony... I really wish I could take Monica but she is what I am running from.

So now that I have caught up on the surface... What's really going on?

I used to be so upset when I would think about how jing replaced me. It would make me just lay in bed and cry. I would be throwing things and smoking and talking it out with any friend that I would have and just a bunch of things would go wrong. And that is when I would not be talking to her. You know? This is when I would be just focusing on cutting her out of my life. How I would be focusing so hard on just getting her out, how I needed to go on without her because that was what she was doing with me. But now what the fuck happened?

I saw her. I can't believe it, but it just changed everything.

I was thinking about everything. Still sorting out whether or not I want her to be in my life. She is right, we invested so much into each other, so much emotion and so much time and effort and everything... do I really want to throw that all away? The truth is, she already threw that all away when she chose to be with jing while she was still living at my house. She says that she never wanted to hurt me but she knew what the fuck she was doing. If I said that I fucked someone while I was with Monica, and I used the excuse,
"I never wanted to hurt you, it just happened and I wish it didn't."
That would never fly.

I wish I was stronger... but I still want her in my life. Monica knows this. I thought that she knew me when she was talking about how Wendy was calling me at night and in the morning... I thought that she really just knew me and it meant so much to me, but then I find out that it was because she was checking my fucking call logs. Cheater. Deceitful... really.

If it wasn't so cold I would just go for a walk. I would just walk out the house with a pack of smokes and just a lighter and just walk. I just need that time to think.

But now, I am running back to Monica. I was being flirty. And now, instead of hating her... I am missing her so much. And then I think about how she is with jing now. How she used to come home to me. How we used to skip out on clubs and things because we just wanted to stay home together. How we used to wake up together and go to her family's house together, and now... it's all with jing. And Monica claims that she didn't take my place? How the fuck can she even say that?! How! It is so apparent.

What's so sad is that I am so sad right now and the only person i want to call is Monica but there is no point.

She keeps saying that she is going to come out here. To hang out with me. It's been 2 months she's been saying that. Why the fuck do I still have this hope that she is going to?

I am so tired of always being hurt by Monica. I thought that I would get over it and I could be her friend but all it is, is me getting hurt by her all over again.

The thing is, Monica is selfish in asking me for a friendship this early on, while she is still with jing... but it's not her fault. It's my own because I want this friendship. I want her in my life more than I need her out.

She has no idea how much pain I am in because I hide behind Wendy. She thinks she has an idea of what I am going through but she has no fucking clue. I let her see what I want her to see. Like this journal entry. This is because I want her to know all these things. But I don't know what to do with it. What the fuck am I supposed to do? The first thing she is going to say is that she will stop calling me and texting me and that she didn't mean to hurt me. But to me that only proves that she wasn't listening. I don't know what I want her to do. I dont know if I want her in or out. Nothing is going to erase what she did or how much it hurts. Why the fuck does it still hurt?

Why can't I cry any more? It really just got to the point where I can't even cry anymore. There just doesn't seem to be a point to it any more.

How she can be happy with jing is beyond me. In the words of Dom,
"Damn. she hella downgraded."

I wonder if Monica realizes that. I know she knows on the inside, she knows jing better than any one... I wonder if she is preparing herself for that relationship. And I wonder why she was so quick to replace me with her...

I really wish I could cry. I think it hurts more that I can't.
Call on me...

[19 Dec 2007|11:41pm]
This is something I just felt I had to write out.

I dont know how to feel about this whole situation. I mean, I didn't see her for so long, and then I did... after everything after her leaving me for Jing, the only person I fucking trusted... I went to Sacramento and I saw her.

And I dont know how I feel about this at all.

I mean, I was so mad at her and I was trying not to get upset but I wanted to get upset? I wanted her to see how much she hurt me, but at the same time I wanted to show her that I was okay without her. Does that make sense?

We had dinner, and that was fine...... She tried to just be friends and carry on like we were just friends, but I found it so hard. It hurt a lot. I wanted to just get up and leave but at the same time I wanted to pretend that everything was the same way it used to be... before she did all this shit.

It started before she even moved out of my house. She thinks that I think that I thought it started way back when, but I was thinking more when Jing was driving out here and taking Monica to movies and etc etc.... And I was right. Monica didn't want to talk about it but i had to know. I said, "Across the Universe" and she said, "kinda". You were still at my house. You were still at my house. I didn't want to believe it but there it was in my face. i asked her
"Do you love her?"
"I don't want you asking me things like that"
"...you do."
And I saw tears in her eyes. We tried to carry on but I just couldn't. I just stopped and I told her,
"I can't be friends with you. I am not over what you did. I don't want to loose you but I am forcing myself to not trust you, not let you in."
And she was holding back tears. I saw them. I held strong and didn't cry. I didn't even eat really.
My friends say that I look aneorexic. Fuck that.
I think that I have a thing for... not fat, but girls with meat? because I have a body image problem. I think that I have too much fat. I think that I am skinny fat. I am small but I have a lot of body fat and it fucking disgusts me. This is not the reason that I don't eat. I don't eat because I am just not hungry. Ever really. When I do get hungry, I smoke. When I get hungry i suppress it because I don't want to eat just to get fatter. I want meat but I want my meat to be muscle.
But I digress.

So I paid (what else is new) and we went and sat in her car... and we exchanged presents. I gave her mine, she played a Cd she made... she played "Remember That" by Micah Bentley. I sat in the car and just smoked. I couldn't look at her. I was trying to cry because I wanted to, but I didn't. But as we sat there and listened to the lyrics of the song, she cried. She was crying softly, and it made me tear up but I just couldn't cry. I don't know why. I could feel her looking at me but I didn't look back at her. When she was crying I wanted so bad to hold her, to have her crawl over and lay in the passenger seat with me and have my arms around her... but I knew that it wouldn't be right. And then she just said softly, "I'm so sorry." And I just knew she meant it. I don't think it was until she saw me that she realized how much she really did tear my world apart... and I knew that she actually felt bad. She was actually sorry. I believed her. I dont know if I believed her or I just wanted to believe her so bad that I convinced myself. I dont know. But I think that this was the closest I was going to get to some sort of closure.

I keep putting off cleaning my room. I dont know, I think this is the longest I have been in my room awake and alone. I try not to stay here very much because I just think about everything, and I miss her a lot. I try to be at Tony's or Vega's or downstairs or any where but I don't know.... today I wanted to be here. I haven't written in my journal in so long because everything was so fucking overwhelming. I was in the worst shape possible a week ago. I was in fits, I was crying over and over I was throwing hotel furniture and I was writing on my arm and my pillow sleeping not going to work screaming and yelling at Monica and pushing my friends away... and now what?

Sadly, it's really just Wendy and Tony that have been keeping me going. It is so sick to say. Tony has been keeping me going because he is my best friend and he is always going to be there for me. Wendy has been my distraction. I talk to her until I fall asleep so I am not completely focused in Monica things, even though I still think about it.

"I can't take it, it's too hard for me. to fake it, when you're all I see. I can't take it It's too hard for me. To fake it. When you're all I see. Through the blurry vision I can see us up the road. Like we said, we're living in a house as we grow old. And I still love you. But even more... It's hard to show that's all I'm longing for."

So Wendy keeps me distracted. She is something to focus on. I think I am just so fucking pissed off that I have to start from the bottom again. I just want to be in love and in a long term lasting relationship again. I know that it isn't goingto be Wendy. I know I am using her as a rebound and I am being a 100% asshole by leading her on. I know she is starting to like me a lot. But I need her to distract me. I mean, honestly, I met this girl when the night I found everything out. How can she expect me to want to be engaged into anything so soon? I am still sorting things out with Monica, not just phone or material things, more like I'm sorting out things like my feelings for her.

Here's the thing. After we sat in the car for about 45 minutes. We went and did a small amount of shopping. We really just went to Petco, Target and Borders. She was beginning to get flirtatous with me. And then she got to be the way she was when we were together, and when we were talking. She was flirting with me. I mean she knows that I knew she was flirting. We were together for almost two years... of course I know this girl! And I will admit I was flirting with her too. I missed her. I missed everything, and I just wanted to pretend it was the same.

I did bring up Jing though. I would throw in her face her new girlfriend. She thought I was being playful. Okay, I will let her think that.

But we were at Borders and I was sorta searching for something, anything to spend more time with her because all the stores were closing and there was no way in hell i was going to her house... so I wanted to watch a movie but she declined. And then we were just hanging around for a while, but then Jing called and she was there with me just talking to jing. that just ruined it for me. I just wanted to go home.

When she was driving me back to my car I told her that it bothered me. I think she knew I meant it. I think she really is ready to go at my pace. I don't want to be around Jing, I don't want her to be brought up and I don't want to be around Monica if she is going to be talking to jing. I don't feel comfortable with it. I don't know if I want to pretend Jing doesn't exsist.... or if I want to just ignore what happened because if I ignore it I can be friends with Monica but if not, I just can't be friends with Monica.

I know that when Jing is drunk and if she sees me at a club or something she will try to hug me or pick me up and swing me around, and I know what I am going to do. Iam going to hit her. I will seriously just try and hit her or shove her away. All my friends know this. I know that only Tony Sushi and MAYBE Stella would hold me back. But Stella has no idea what I am capable of. And if I was drunk... Oh fuck no. I will beat the bitch. Nice shiner to show off at work.

Fuck you.

I really do just hate jing. I hate Monica too, but I am still sorting out hating her and loving her.

Today Monica was text friendly with me. She was text and phone flirty. She was telling me that she had a dream regarding me and her cuddling. I think there was more than just cuddling but whatever. she just said that she had a dream that made her really miss me when she woke up. She said she felt guilty. Now I am curious why she felt guilty. She felt guilty because she had a dream about me when she was already with Jing and in Jing's bed probably or did she feel guilty because of what she did to mess up the relationship? I dont know.

This is the most I have written regarding anything so far. It's sporatic.

Like I said, I have been flirty with Monica. I am starting to think that she is starting to miss me. That she still loves me, and I am half way playing off of it. I mean I know me and Monica knows me. I flirt with a girl until they are interested. Then I play off like I am really really into them, then they start to get really really into me but then that's only so I can have the upper hand in the relationship. You let a girl think you fell for her first, you let her think she has control, but then when she falls for me? I have the control. It works nearly every time.

Gaaddd I'm such a fucking asshole.

Gun is messy. Carbon is pussy. Wrists are painful. So gay.

But what if she does want to get back with me? I would do stuff just to get back at Jing.. I think so. I don't think I would ever be able to get back with Monica. there is no way I could trust her. And there is no way in fucking hell if I got back with her that I would never be comfortable with Jing. And that's pretty fucked up because it's her best friend. So i don't know how we would get through that. I don't know. I'm just upset.

I don't think she wants to get back together with me, well I don't know. I can tell she misses me. But I dont know if I miss her the memory of our relationship. She isn't the same person.

"What the hell do you need a lighter for?"
"Crack"
"...Isn't crack supposed to make you skinnier?"

On the surface she seems like the same, but there is no trust there. There is no love any more. Actually there is a lot of love but I dont know what to do with it.

I mean if she came over here, I know I could get her to cuddle with me. I know at one point or another she would want me to kiss her. But would I? Would I be strong enough to not kiss her? I want her and jing to not work out, but does that mean that I want to be with her again?

I JUST SAW HER ONE TIME AND I AM ALREADY CONTEMPLATING IF I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER? FUCK NO. I NEED TO ALWAYS REMEMBER WHAT SHE IS CAPABLE OF. WHAT SHE MADE ME INTO. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AND I HAVE TO ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT THIS IS THE PERSON SHE IS. I CAN'T KEEP THINKING THAT SHE ISN'T THIS PERSON. I CAN'T FALL INTO IT AGAIN. I JUST CAN'T. I REFUSE TO LET HER IN OR LET HER HURT ME IN THAT WAY AGAIN.

I just can't.

watch me be the fucking weak bitch that lets her back in my life and understand why Jing still needs to be in her life. I really need to get over monica. I thought I was over her. I should have been at least. I mean FUCK come on she left me for the only fucking person I trusted. Ugh Fuck.

Stella was right, I met someone really great. but I can't give them a proper chance because of a what if with someone that is not worth hurting over. Wendy doesn't deserve this. She really doesn't.
Call on me...

The Meg and Dia Weekend [29 Apr 2007|02:30pm]
I told everyone I was at a Karate Tournament all weekend.

..I lied.

I was supposed to be but last minute, Monica invited me to go along with her and ate Jing and Ate Gia to socal for a Meg & Dia concert. So... DUH I jumped at it.

Even though I felt guilty for missing Khai's graduation.. and Aj's party... and whatever else I was missing I had a really really fun time.

I hung out with Tony, Christine, Chuck and Michelle for a while. And we just hung out at the house and made food (this is after Karate) and then I left about 10 or 11 to head over to Sac. And then after I got to Sac, Monica and I slept for a very minimal amount of time before Ate Jing woke us up a(4a.m.)

We took Rayne's car out. I love her car. It's a jeep. Spacious. Powerful. New. It's great. =) Monica and I occupied the backseat of course and slept a majority of the way there. Before we left, Ate Gia got us starbucks and Monica and Jing stole a monkey, our mascot for the weekend Haha.

So we took the long ass drive to West Hollywood, and fell asleep on the way there. I was sleeping for a while. I could feel Monica trying to bug me when I was sleeping. Poking me and such. What a butt.

And I remember Ate Jing cutting off everyone to go to staples. haha... we all screamed. Girl road trips are great.

So we got to the hotel. It was nice... we relaxed for a while... just chilled. We took showers and got ready.

So... Monica and I took a shower together first. We kinda fooled around. It was cute. I love showers with this girl. But we were like lying down and I was going down on her.... and she pulls my hair towards her when she is really enjoying it... and so my nose was against her pelvic bone and my mouth was occupied plus there was water falling down on us cuz we were in the shower. I tried to hold my breath as long as I could but I damn nearly choked!! I had to like push her away and I was like... gasping. hahaha
And while we were getting ready Ate Jing and Ate gia took a shower together. While they were in the bathroom together Jing took a shit. That was so weird.. I wonder when Monica and I will get to that point.... well. We'll see where life takes us.

So after we all got pretty we exlpored around for a while. The roof was pretty awesome. There was a pool.. but no one was cute. Actually mostwere rather revolting. Old cellulite. when we were taking pictures, Monica actually called me by my first name. SHE NEVER EVER calls me by that. It was so weird....

After a while, we started having our Meg & Dia Warped Tour Kick off party thing. It was cool. It was kinda creepy though. All the people that came (besides me Ate Gia, and Monica) were ate Jing's boardie friends. All people from the Meg & Dia Fan Message board. And we had food and LOTS AND LOTS OF alcohol. It was cool though. We had hella fun.

oh... that's right.

MEG, DIA AND THEIR WHOLE BAND SHOWED UP TOO!



Yeah, just thought I would throw that out there. We partied with Meg & Dia. And the band.

The boys of the band are pretty socialable. But I completely understand why Meg & Dia themselves would be a little pulled away.... Being at a party where the only thing everyone in that room has in common is the fact that they all sit on the computer and talk about you all day? That would creep me out just a little bit.

But they didn't stay long. They had to go. So more folks came. Jing played in introducing game.
1) Name
2) Board name
3) Where you are from
4) The Meg & Dia song you would strip to.

haha. Monica and I tried to hide from it but we couldn't escape!

Well I was buzzing... but let me tell you! This one girl brought a bottle of bacardi, bitch nearly drank it all. She was soooo drunk. Like Sloppy drunk. We had to wrestle the bottle away from her. It was ridiculous... on the real... ridiculous.

By the time we got to the kick off party (the actual show) I was tired. I didn't even like most the bands that were performing. I accidently stole a Meg & Dia wallet. But I had the band sign it for Khai... it was personalized and everything. Happy Graduation Khai... I'm a good best friend.

And then Monica fucking took a pill. That pissed me off. It is just ridiculous that she drops. It really really is. So I tried to distance myself from her a little without showing her I was mad. I wasn't going to be the one to ruin her fuckin night. Ugh.
WHATEVER

And so Meg & Dia performed and it was all good. I had a good time with them performing. I didn't really get so much into as I should have. I was too busy trying to pretend I didn't care Monica took a pill.

We hung around for a while... Ate Jing and I were outside... adn then Ate Gia and Monica met up with us outside. And then Mel was with us too. (Jing's friend from highschool that Z is living with).

And then we went back to the hotel with all intentions to just go to bed. BUT that didn't happen. We got ready and I started training for my tournament the following day when Carlo from the band showed up expecting an after party. And then they took shots with him and then he left. (after some pictures)

But then Mel Monica and I decided we weren't tried at all and we decided to go walk around the town. Mel was hella drunk. HELLA DRUNK. And Monica was still on that stupid pill so I was running purely on a brief second wind. Monica actually did a cartwheel in the hallway. It was hella cute. And then we were walking around the streets of Hollywood when....

Carlo from Meg & Dia calls Monica on her phone, asking if any of us liked guys... and then asked Monica if she wanted to hook up with him!!!!


Yeah... that made me a fucking happy ass camper! Ugh.

We went to a porn shop. Hustler. I wanna work at a Hustler. Looks fun. Lesbian field trip in a porn shop... nice.

And then we were walking around for days tryin to get some food. and a Crazy ass bum was following us. Oh hell no. it was crazy.

AND THEN we went back to the hotel and ate and then we all fell asleep.

... I had a weird dream that Monica made me say in a hotel room and watch the four kids and a goat. I remember thinking. I could sneak four kids up there but how the hell was I going to sneak a goat out of the hotel room?

And then we just lazied around until we had to go. mONICA OF COURSE TOOK EVERYTHING THAT WAS FREE. so cute.

And then. We went to a beach and we just hung out there. Monica got me Dip and Dots.

and then we basically just slept most of the ride home. It was nice.


I had a fun vacation.

OH!! THE BEST FUCKING PART

In the jeep, the controls for the window are in the middle consoles. Monica could not figure out how to roll the windows down for the life of her. So... we all convinced her it was voice activated. So everytime we rolled the windows up we'd say "up!" and eitehr me, Ate Gia or Ate Jing would roll the window up for her... with her happy little ass thinking it was voice activated. And then when we would roll it down... "down!".. and there she is... pretty amazed that the jeep was voice activated. hahaha. I love it.
Call on me...

The Update [24 Mar 2007|11:03pm]
So... Last Thursday ws so much fun.

Ate Jing has been in the P.I. and so Ate Gia went to the city to visit her ate. And then she wanted to go to Cribs. So I called up Joe and Sarah and we went to go get her and take her to the crib. It was just us three. No one else ever really wants to go any more.

So for once, I drove Joe and sarah to the city. We had fun on our ride there, just talking and smoking and whatever. We got directions from Ate Gia. Uh, yeah... her ate lives in the cuts. And I almost killed us on the way there. LIke Joe Sarah and I all almost shit our pants. forreal. Gross. hahaha.

ANd then I almost hit a couple pedestrians but it was their fault.

So we get Ate and she drives us over to the Crib.... with the other two just drinking in the back. They drank nearly a whole bottle of Grey Goose. They were so funny drunk and together.
"look! It's Happy Feet!"
And Sarah was drunk singing the songs on the radio... expect she would combin like 3 songs in one...
"You make me wanna... SOOOO BADDDDDD it hurts when you---"
"Sarah, do you even know the words?"
"YEAH!! yea.... yeahh... dun dun.."
hahaha fuckin Sarah.
and they kept calling Ate, "Jinguh"

I think Ate was getting annoyed for a little bit because they were combining her name with her wife's name. But it was all good.

And then we get to the club, drop the two off so they can get in and we go park and go inside. It was so cute, the girls behind us were looking at their I.d's and memorizing them... they were hella like 17 or 16 years old. Ate and I were hella laughing. It's cute though... brings me back to the days.

So it was St. Patty's and so the damn place was packed.... with young ass kids. Ate Gia was like, "I feel so old!!" and I was like, "I feel like a pedofile." haha.

And we had a good time though. we drank some at the bar. And Joe and Sarah drank more with us and they were fucked up drunk. Like... Sarah was dancing with her head in Joe's shirt kind of drunk. haha I love em.

we smoked outside a lot.

Oh! Fuckin a. So I was smoking outside and I saw Roe. Damn... Roe is hella hot right? So I am talking with her for a while. And then we go our seperate ways. And I am hanging out with ate Gia for a while. And then we did our thing.. and I am on the light up dance floor with ate Gia, Joe and Sarah and I look up at the mirrors and Roe and Chris and their friends were looking at me and talking. So I turn around,
"What's up?"
"dude. Z tell them who you are."
I looked at her and I was like,
"...I'm not Z"

Roe had the most surprised look on her face. Her jaw dropped, her eyes got big. and she covered her mouth and was like, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?"
No bitch, I'm joking. what the hell?
And Ate Gia just busts out laughing.

And so I took Roe outside and I had to explain to her who I was. Apparently for the last fucking YEAR she's thought I was Z since she met me. But she does remember meeting Nikki.... a year ago. I guess Nikki disappeared and Z just came out a lot more since she moved to Sd? What the hell dude? I mean, I've been mistaken for Z for maybe a drunken night or a drugged up blur.... but for an entire year? Cmon man!

And then, Roe was standing in the doorway, and it was packed so people kept almost burning her with their stogs. So I pulled her closer to me every time that someone was about to burn her. And then she started thinking I was hitting on her. Like she was like, "uh. you might want to go with your friends because I am here with a girl." What? Dude. I'm smiling because it's funny.. and ridiculous. And I pulling her closer to me because she was about to get burnt.

I hope Ate Gia didn't get the wrong impression and report back to Monica. Cuz i lost her joe and sarah for a while and when I foudn them, they were like, "damn you and Roe disappeared for hella long."

I mean... Roe is hot but she isn't my type and I am not her type. I could never see that working out. There's a better chance of my actually hitting Poonam.

So then Gia, Joe and Sarah met up with some cute older guy... gay. And they were talking to him and I was wandering around for a while. yes. I saw Pietro Jose Francine and angelica. Yeah... I pinched Pietro's drunk nipples. Whatever. I still don't like them but at a club, unless it's Poonam it's hard to be an asshole.

We were outside smoking, [[again]] and just trying to get a VERY drunk Sarah to just chill right? And Ate Gia starts chatting it up with some spanish girl. She was cute in like 14 yr old girl way but no.... And then I was asking Ate,
"man... do you and ate Jing still have sex?"
"HELL YEA! MAn I wouldn't be in this is we didn't?"
"What's the longest you've gone without?"
and then these cute gay boys came up to us and wanted to be in the conversation.
And then we ended up comparing stomachs? I wanted to be lean like those boys. My tummy bludges a little and I am getting to be self concious of my weight. This sucks.

And oh! We were on the balcony, and everyone beneath us was hella dancing... and they started to play this song and everyone just stopped dancing...
it was cupid's chokehold
Ate and I were like, HELL YEA!!! But they didn't play the whole song.

Sarah was so drunk that she couldn't even stand. Ate had to like grind up against her just to keep her dancing. And then she would like still slowly fall to the ground. And then we all turn around and we see some ugly ass white girl with no shirt on leaning against the wall talking to her we were like, "OOOHhhhh"

Joe was a little whore that night but he was so cute about it.

That spanish girl kept whispering in spanish in Ate's ear and her friends were like taking pictures and ate gia was trying to hide from the camera.
"uh hello? wedding ring?"

And then we lost Joe and Sarah and I found them coming out of a stall and Sarah just threw up and Joe was hella grining,
"I saw it."

And there were like 3 dyke fights that night. It was crazy!! And then one of them hella stormed out the fire exit and the alarms were going off but no one in the club could hear it. If there was really a fire We'd all die.

"imma buy you a drinkkkkk"

So afterwords, we left. And I drove us to Ophan Andy's for those two to eat and sober up. It was so funny. Joe thought we were at Boy Bar and he was wildly disappointed. And then he was like, "Hey! the bus boy and waiters should jump up on the tables and start singing."

And then we were sitting and ordering food from the old gay guy that always seems to deal with me when I am there. And he seemed annoyed. Sarah was passed out on the table. And Joe was so cute like hitting on the waiter.

"If I get an oranger juice, does it come with a 50 year old man?"
"You don't like young boys?"
And we ate and everything and we were talking.

Ate Gia know about Chloe, and knows about the things with Poonam. She says, even if they are what they are, it is no reason for us to fight. Looking back... yeah.. actually it was big reason to fight. But whatever.

And then after we were at the theater on Castro and looking at the movies playing. And we were just dicking around. And Sarah was like,
"Saving... Face.... how sweet.... the sound....."
And this drunk ass possessed guy was watching us and he tried to touch Joe. It was hella creepy.

So then we drove Ate gia home and then Joe passed out and Sarah and I tried to navigate our way through the city. I don't know why I was lost for as long as I was. I mean I knew where I was but I kept taking directions from a drunk ass Sarah. And we just talked all the way home.


It was weird. But I was checking around and thinking. You know. I am just not ready to move on. I keep looking around for a girl to fuck or someone that I would like. But nothing. And everytime I find... Nothing, I always think about what Mary said.
"No one is good enough because you won't let any one be good enough."

And I know I won't because it is just going to be fucked up.

But all in all that was a good ass night. Hella fun.

Monica knew I was out with Ate Gia, ha ha Monica. YOu can stay home with Shauna. Cuddle with Shauna.
Call on me...

[19 Mar 2007|11:01pm]
The last couple days, for the most part.... have been pretty good.

Things with Monica are now getting a lot better. Well, the repressing over everything is giving me a fucking tumor but other than that everything is okay.

Let's start off with Wednesday.
SHE ACTUALLY CAME OVER!!!

I really thought she would find an excuse to not coe out and visit me but I can't tell you how happy it actually made me that she drove out here to spend time with me.

I swear, I couldn't get home fast enough.

And when she was there, it was like she never left. I wanted to cater to her every damn need. I am such a sucker. We ate dinner with the family and watched TV for a little and then we drove all the way to concord and watch Zodiac.

There were only like 4 people in the theater, including us, but by the end of the movie, there was no one... and I didn't see any one leave... creepy.

Monica fell asleep because it was really slow but I liked it. It scared the hell out of me though. I mean, really though.... all that shit happened in my backyard and there was so much evidence to prove Arthur Leigh did it.. but they couldn't pin it on him.

Whomever Zodiac was... he was a sick bastard.

But really though. The first murder happened on Colubus Parkway... where my grandma lives and where I used to drive all the time and I played there when I was little.

2nd murder. Lake Beressa. Uh! Hello! We go camping there like every year.

Another murder... was just somewhere on the way to modesto he is flashing the lights and honking on a hwy that I used to drive all the time to stockton!

I was just creeped out... like what the hell man!

But we fell asleep. Monica was comfortable enough to just fall asleep with me. It was really cute.
Call on me...

[04 Mar 2007|05:42pm]
I dread the calls...

when the phone rings, I think it's may just be Monica calling to say good morning, because she knows I'm at work.

Then I hear,

"good morning. can I have your rate and occupancy?"

I need to sleep but I've been so awake
Call on me...

[25 Feb 2007|10:05pm]
Monica this isn't for you. These are just notes.

"I look at you with such vunerability. My eyes are like a dying man who seeks healing in you."

"I wish to never make love again to anything but the body." pg 24

"Nobody can stay in the Garden of Eden" pg 25

"Perhaps everybody has a garden of Eden, I don't know; but they have scarcely seen their garden before they see the flaming sword. Then, perhaps, life only offers the choice of remembering the garden or forgetting it. Either, or: it takes strength to remember, it takes another kind of strength to forget; it takes a hero to do both." pg 25
----You don't know how wonderful something is until you loose it. Ignorance of knowledge is loosing your bliss, your happiness... your Garden of Eden.

"He now despised that army of boys who had come, without love, to his bed." pg 28

"And this look made me feel that no one in my life had ever looked at me directly before" pg 37

"Confusion is a luxury that only the very very young can afford. And you are not that young any more" pg 41
----Jacque is telling David that he should be past confusion at his age, for living the years they have, he should have realized or accepted it by now.

"We connected the moment we met. And remained connected still..." pg 42 // David and Giovanni

"...as visible as the wafers on the shift of the flaming princess" pg 42 ....
"...like Macbath's witches" pg 42....
"like someone who might be sleepwalking or like those figures in slow motion one sometimess sees on the screen." pg 38 - 39
"...like armies with banners entering the town." pg 34
"...as though giovanni were a valuable racehorse or a rare bit of china." pg 32
"...grinning like a movie star." pg 31
"...it bubbled upward out of them like a fountain of black water." pg 45
"...gleamed like snow" pg 50
"...turned with the air of an actress about to deliver the serverly restrained last lines of an exhausting and mighty part." pg 58
-----------all quotes of how Baldwin uses a lot of metaphors or similies.

"it looked like a mummy or a zombie-- this was the first, overwhelming impression -- of something walking after it had been put to death. And it walked, really, like someone who might be sleepwalking or like those figures in slow motion one sometimes see on the screen. It carried a glass, it walked on its toes, the flat hip moved with a dead, horrifying lasciviousness. It seemed like the roaring of the sea, heard at night, from far away. It glittered in the dim light; the thin, black hair was violent with oil, combed forward hanging in bangs; the eyelids gleamed with mascara, the mouth raged with lipstick. The face was white and thoroughly bloodless with some kind of foundation cream; it stank of powder and a gardenia-like perfume. The shift, open coquettishly to the navel, revealed a hairless chest and a silver crucifix; the shirt was covered with round, paper-thin wafers, red and green and orange and yellow and blue, which stormed in the light and made one feel that the mummy might, at any moment disappear in a flame. A read sash was around the waist, the clinging pants were a surprisingly sombre grey. He wore buckles on his shoes." pg 38-39
"Behind the counter sat one of those absolutely inimitable and indomitable ladies, produced only in the city of Paris, but produced there in great numbers, who would be as outrageous and unsettling in another other city as a mermaid on a mountain top. All over Paris they sit behind their counters like a mother bird in a nest and brood over the cash register as though it were an egg. Nothing occuring under the circle of heaven where they sit escapes their eye, if they have ever been surprised by anything, it was only in a dream -- a dream they long ago ceased having. They are neither ill- nore good natured, though they have their days and styles and they know, in a way, apparently that other people know when they have to go to the bathroom, everything about everyone who enters their domain. Though some are white-haired and some not, some fat, some thin, some grandmothers and some but lately virgins, they all have exactly the same, shrewd vacant all-registering eye; it is difficult to believe that they ever creid for milk or looked at the sun; it seems they must have come into the world hungry for banknotes, and squinting helplessly, unable to focus their eyes until they came to rest on a cash register." pg 50-51
--------------Baldwin uses such long and thorough descriptive passages to describe these two characters. They are not nearly as important to the story as David, Giovanni, Guillaume, Jacque or any of the other main characters. But these other unnamed characters get so much more of a description than we are initially given of any of the main characters. The description of the main character are distributed throughout the novel, in which a reader feels more attached the the characters rather than describing about them in a long paragraph.

"having already appraised Guillaume to within a decimal of that figure..." pg 53
---------- how young boys saw Guillaume when they knew he was interested in sleeping with him.

"But the way to be really despicable is to be contemptuous of other people's pain." pg 55

"Love him," ..."love him and let him love you. Do you think anything else under heaven really matters?" pg 57

pgs 55-57 is Jacques and David having a discussion of what is going on between David and Giovanni. David doesn't necessarily deny things, but fears of confirming it and rather he attacks Jacques' lifestyle, when really it only reflects his own and what is in store if he doesn't accept who he is. Jacques is considering him lucky to be having the chance to realize this so early on in his life, and warns him against fighting it because he will end up like Jacques. [[Important notes highlighted]]

"not many people have ever died of love. But multitudes have perished.."..."for the lack of it."
Call on me...

[25 Feb 2007|03:43pm]
we argue so much because we are always defending ourselves rather than listening.


We are both guilty of this.
Call on me...

[20 Feb 2007|08:28pm]
I did it.
I yelled at Monica.

Kinda...

Even though I have all this bulit up anger, all these thoughts and feelings that I can't even express in my journals because I know she reads them...

I just know I can't ever fully say what is on my mind. I'm just too scared.

What the fuck am I so afraid of? So Monica hurts me, I hurt me, She moves on, I move on. Then what happens? We just go our seperate ways and she is just another chapter in my book?

What if I want her to be the last fucking chapter?

I'm only 19yrs old. I shouldn't know what it is that I want. But for some reason I think I do. Age shouldn't determine what I am ready for. What I want in life. But that is the excuse everyone will tell me if I were to tell them that I wanted to be with Monica for the rest of my life.

Don't fucking tell me what I want. What I am ready for. What's "in store for me". Let me figure shit out on my own and I'll deal with the consquences.

Then again.... That's exactly how I got where I am.


I'm sorry, can I take that back?

Warn me! Warn me! Warn me! Make me listen to you... I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do with you any more. I dont know what to do... You're fucking with your own head. Is this how Duey feels all the time? You should just give up on her. Nothing is worth this pain. Nothing is worth FUCKING with your own fucking head this much.

yes there is.
No there isn't.
Yes. There is. That feeling when I am with her
The feelings of wondering what does when you aren't around? The feelings of wondering if she is lying about the whole bitch thing? The feelings of wondering if she is lying in general? The feeling that she is probably just using you?
No. no! STOP FUCKING A STOP! I'm talking about the feeling of security. Of being with her. Of love. Of knowing she loved me. Knowing she was mine. Knowing I was hers. Knowing she fucking cared. Laughing with her. making her laugh. The feeling of being there in her arms. The feeling of if I ever needed to just smile, I just had to look at her. The feeling of waking up next to her. The feeling of everytime we had days off together it was our own little vacation.
That feeling is gone. Obviously she let it go, because you're insane. You make her feel like shit.
I don't want to.
Don't want to what? Let it go or make her feel like shit?
Either.
You are weaker than I ever thought you could be. You weren't even this pathetic after Alex. You were fucking someone else or talking to someone else after not even a month. Shit, you even kissed someone else a couple weeks after.
That was different, and you know it. Fucking Alex was NOTHING compared to what I just lost.
That shouldn't even matter! You know how we are. You were just telling Jennifer Kim today how in high school you were the girl that "girls went gay for". You were the exception for Jennie, for Chloe, for Char,for Jamie Ginnochio for how many other girls? How many fucking girls have you been with that were just gay for you? And on top of that, how many girls have you been with in general. It doesn't take us a lot to get with a girl. To put our lips on hers. It doesn't take more than a little bullshitted charm and a smile to get a girl wondering about what it's like to be with a girl.
I don't want to be that person any more. I don't want to fuck with other people. I want to know her last name. Contreras. Know her birthday. May 3rd, 1987. Know her favorite color. The color she wears the most, but not black because she only wears that for work. She really likes a forrest green type of color, earth tones. Know her past. Her ex boyfriend was an asshole. Know her family. Mom, Dad recently seperated almost two years ago when she was in Socal with her friends. Two sisters that are "ghetto" to her and bigger than her, Melinda and Merissa [Pal]. Know her best friends. Chekka. Jing and Gia. I wanna know way more.. past what drinks fuck her up and the spot to kiss to make her take her panties off.
You're such a Fucking Lesbian.
I don't give a shit.
Moron
that we can agree on.
===================================================

I don't know anything any more. I am so torn with what to do and I can't get help fom any one. Not her. Not him. Not any one. I wish Tony would answer his phone sometimes. As much as I like to talk to Tawny, she doesn't give me what I need. she'll listen, she'll give advice, but she wants me to stop hurting she wants me to stop hanging out with Monica and putting myself through all this. Aj wants me to stay away from Monica in general, he's more of the... once the fucking is done, move on. And Khai... she's never around.
Now I can't even talk to Monica about anything. I want to be done talking to Monica about everything. I dont want to keep putting this all on her. She thinks I am fucking crazy.
Maybe I am.
With as fucked up in the head as I am. With everything I am letting her see. I'm giving her all the power. I am going to make her feel guilty about doing this because she thinks she is the reason. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, I dont remember what the hell it is I am talking about.
With as fucked up in the head as I am, how the hell would she ever want to be with me again? How is that going to be possible? It's not. Fuck. I've shown her almost every part of me. There is one part that I refuse to show her, and after Colette, I promised I would never show anyone that side again.

I wouldn't even want to be with me.

If Monica told anyone that has seen me in the last couple days that she doesn't want to be with me any more, they wouldn't know why. But I do.

I have to stop being so vunerable with her. I have to stop it.

Even if she cares, she doesn't want to.

She wants her space. Her fucking time. She doesn't want to be "tied down". I don't get it. She still wants to be my best friend though? Isn't being a best friend almost like being in a relationship without making love or things like that? Yeah... but we still make love. I still kiss her with my heart and not my tongue. I still look at her like I'm the luckiest person for her to want to be with me.

I'm just her friend now.

I can't be just her friend. I can't take a step down like that.

I will do something irrational and stupid if we are just friends and I am obviously in love with her and shegoes off and makes out with someone and I turn around to see that.

I have gone a week without crying.

The sad part is that this is all on me. Everything is in my head. Everything I know is in my fucking head.

And I am constantly at battle with myself because I don't know what goes on with Monica. I don't know what she's thinking. Her motives. Why she doesn't cry. Why she continues to be friends with this fucking bitch. I dont know anything of the sort. So I think things and it gets to me.

She'll tell me that everything I am thinking is not true.

I can't tell if she is lying any more. I don't trust her that much.

I can't trust anything she says any more. I remember wondering why trust was such a big thing to her? I'd never been in a real relationship, I didn't care so much for trust. I remember wondering why... a little lie isn't such a big deal.

Yea? Well. Now I fucking get it. And I don't even know if she lied or not. I just know that I can't trust her at all. That everyword that comes between those lips I am investigating if she is lying or not.

And I can't be vunerable and spill my heart and guts to someone I just can't trust. I dont want to. I'm setting myself to get hurt.

How can you say you love someone and not stay faithful to them? "never leave the one you love for the one you like" That saying is so stupid. How could you leave the one you love for a pure sexual attraction. cuz she made your panties a little wet. your dick a little hard. That makes no fucking sense to me. I don't understand, and I can't.

How can you say you love someone and you don't care if she goes out and kisses someone else? How can you not wonder if that kiss was meant for just you but she gives them out to others?

There is a difference between "not wanting to be with anyone" and "not being with anyone but being exclusive to one."
Not wanting to be with any one... means you are free to

FUCK

anyone you damn well please. You are free to drink and make out with whomevers lips land on yours. You are free to slip your fingers into whomever. Open your legs for whomever. YOu are free to use lines like, "do you have the time?" "where you from?" "have you ever been upstairs before?". I am not saying that you are going to do these things. But you are free to do whatever the fuck you want to do.
Not being with anyone but being exclusive to one... means you have your time, your space. But you know that there is only one fucking person you want to be with. Only one fucking person you want to kiss you. to make love to you. There is only one person that you just can't fuck because she means so much to you. You have the freedom to do as you please but you know that everything you do effects someone other than just yourself. And if you are exclusive to one, you acknowledge that. You may not be her girlfriend, but you love her, and you don't want to hurt her. And you just know that no one else is worth just fucking. No one else is going to kiss you the way she kissed you. Or share the same type of conversations you did with her. And even if someone holds you the same way she did, it wouldn't be like a puzzle, where it just fit. Where it just felt so right that nothing could break it.

So there is the fucking difference. I hope you understand that one.

You need time to yourself. Fine. Fuck. I don't. I know what I want. I know where my priorities are in life. I know who I love. And I am no longer fighting for something that was just a memory. I am fighting for something I believe isn't over. I am fighting because love is worth fighting for. And I may be weak in any other sense but I am not weak in a sense where I am in love, and I give up on something I believe.

Maybe Monica and I have two different perceptions on love. The first time she thought she was in love she got hella hurt. her parents were together for hella long since like high school, and they didn't work out. All her friends are gay, those relationship hardly ever work out. The only stable ones I can think of is Jing and Gia and Jeff and Chekka. And at least they all live if not together at least 2 minutes away from each other.

We live an hour and a half away.

I still wanna know what she needs time for.
Herself?

Putting her walls back up>?
To fuck someone else?
To push me away?
She got bored with me?

I'm plenty to handle. How the hell do you get bored with someone like me?
I'm going.
Call on me...

[20 Feb 2007|07:55pm]
I don't know if I like that Monica can read all my thoughts and all. I write them down because I have no other way of expressing how I feel. But I always let Monica read them because I can't let things out when I am around her.
And then when she reads them... it's like I made her feel bad. And even though I am trying to spark up some sort of emotion in her, I don't wanna make her feel bad necessarily... because then I just end up apologizing for everything I said and I said that it came out wrong.

One of my rules for letting people read my journal was that no matter their reaction, they couldn't get upset and I couldn't apologize for how I felt. If I feel a certain way, that's how I am going to feel. I am not going to apologize about how I feel, but I can apologize about how I express it.

Monica can hold things that I feel against me. She doesn't know that she does. But she does.

Yes, it is stupid that this journal is now almost entirely dedicated to how I feel about Monica yet the default picture is of me and Teej. I still like the picture. I thought it was cute.

I am left alone... yet again, and I am just left with all my thoughts... again. Monica isn't really answering her cell phone... again. So I am here... thinking. Again.

I realize that by letting her read and know all my thoughts without me there, and without me being able to go there right away means that she has time to cook up some exlpaination. Some... story. Theory. excuse. Lie. Whatever it may be, she has a lot of time to cook one up.

Maybe that is why she never really talks or anything while I am spilling my guts to her. Not enough time.

I realize that with my entires I get meaner and meaner to Monica but when I am with her, I get nicer and nicer.

I'm going to grow to hate her a lot at this rate.

I'll never be happy with her if that is the case.

Will I ever be happy?

Nothing has a happy ending. The Movies just ran out of film before it could get to the bad part. The songs just end before the heartbreak happens to give people hope.
Call on me...

FUCK, note to self. [09 Apr 2006|09:29pm]

....just.... FUCK



Note to Self:

She wasn't worth the two months and everyone knew it.

But She was worth a lifetime of good conversations and petty arguments.

Just remember, the only reason this crawls under your skin is because you cared enough for her to let it.





You also have a paper in English due Thursday.

And a paper in American Pop Culture.

And a paper in Cultural and Emotional Psychology.

And a test to study for in Psychology.



GET OUT OF MY HEAD



Stop thinking about it.. you have to stop thinking about it and give it time.



I haven't seen my sisters in over a week.



I live with them.



My best friend and I are too busy for each other. We carpool and live 7 minutes away from each other.



She's a faggot and he's a dyke.



Work is a hassel, but I can't ask for any other job that I would pay me to play on myspace and talk on Aim. All I have to do is kiss ass for hours at a time....







That's all.





Don't forget about your paper.

You can't fuck up in school any more.



No more drinking. No more fucking.

up.



You need time, you bipolar mother fucker.



God. And YOU, YOU AND YOUR PERFECT FUCKING RELATIONSHIP. God, Please, while I have a different girl over every time, rub it in... kiss and cuddle in front of me that you found the perfect person.... your other half. And here I am with....wait, what's your name again?

I am sorry.



Jerks.





This is not the life meant for me. This is not the life I would imagine after high school. But hell. Life is full of suprises.





Ry is here now and he makes me happy. talk or ignore it.... the problem still remains. You should call me, please. I know I can be really good to you... I just don't think you know that yet.



I hope you find that out soon though.



And you....



Stop it. You're making me uncomfortable.



That guy looked like a walking corpse.



My life is a sitcom. Not a reality show.



I wish I was able to relax, instead massages make me tense.



YAY my music twin is here.



take her on a date, show her what she means to you. Give her time, you are pretty fucked up. give her a flower. Play hard to get. Get over it. Leave it alone and focus on school. Explain yourself. Talk to her friends. Make her dinner. Ask her out. give her stuff back and give up.



Shut up.



Okay.



-Yourself.







hahaha what an crazy motherfucker.
7 Need an Imaginary heroes| Call on me...

Another song [07 Mar 2006|10:36pm]
Another song
Memory Sugarcult.

It just makes me think of those candid pictures, when we are smiling and you know that no matter how bad that picture is, there is a good ass memory behind it and when you see pictures like that you just can't help but smile.

God... we are growing up really really fast.


please.. don't go away

I remember that I was going through myspace and such and reading stuff and I got all nostalgic and wanted to talk to Tony but then I remembered it was 7 on a Monday and he was in class...
And then it hit me, the semester was over and he no longer had class...


... we are already into the second semester of COLLEGE.

I dont know if I need to catch up with life or slow down with it. But i want to live it.
Call on me...

[05 Mar 2006|02:45pm]
Its amazing...

It's almost been a year since we graduated high school...
The world keeps on going, we keep growing and continue with the good times....

But it's so amazing that I can hear one song... And be taken back to a place so many years ago, but feel like it was just yesterday.

Certain Offspring songs will remind me of laying in the back seat of David's black civic, driving around instead of going to see a play at LMC with him and Vanessa and Colette.
Other Offspring reminds me when I went to see them after great america with courtney and tyler.

I heard Officially Missing You the remix version... And I was back in Tony's shitty car, Lucky, driving to stockton on hwy 4, when its storming out.

I heard Counting the days - Goldfinger and I am driving Tawny home going up the hill and she is telling me that the song reminds her of her and Justin.

I heard Letters to you - Finch And I'm a freshman living in Oakley again, typing online and doing my part in trying to stand out and be cool... by just blending in

I heard Duhast, some german song we don't even know and its me brittany chris and my brother just hanging out in my room joking and laughing about absoultely nothing.

I heard tipsy - J Kwon And its junior year again... dancing in the parking lot with my friends.

I heard nagging - ying yang twins And I'm dancing with Jim at Winterball

See... it hurts to think these moments are gone.. Just a memory. Those are people I don't talk to any more, or times that just can't be repeated... I miss them a lot. But what keeps me going is that I am making NEW memories. I'm living in, what in the future, is going to be a memory. And I want it to be a good memory.

But I have all of you to thank for the good memories I did have.
Call on me...

[07 Nov 2005|04:15am]
I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me and doing coke behind my back



I sure know how to pick them
Call on me...

[02 Nov 2005|02:03am]
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I want you to know
That this is what you've become
Step outside of your body for just a moment and look at you
Standing around, faded off your ass
Ciggarrette in hand

There's more alcohol in your system
Than twice the legal limit
Not that you've noticed
<u> You think your fine to drive </u>

Look at you... What are you wearing?
Fifty degrees in a tube top and fishnets
Buts it's okay, alcohol and ciggarettes
Serve as your internal blanket

Look at you, looking five years older than you are
All that make up and effort
You look like a whore
Who you are fooling?
The guy who lap your on? No, he just doesn't care
Your just another peice of ass

Take a step outside your body
<i> Do you recognize her? </i>
Call on me...

[02 Nov 2005|01:57am]

WHY DO I FUCKING HATE YOU!


I wanna hate you soo bad....
But I can't....
Stop this
Call on me...

[16 Oct 2005|03:08pm]
Image me and jhae

An old picture of my sister and I before prom

best friends

My best friend. No replacement.

familiar

people say we look alike...

sex

isn't he just sexy..

random

Words can't explain...

tahn cut the cake

Welcome home Tahn..

gay boy

beauty queen of only 18...

girls

These are the friends you keep after high school. I fucking love them.

to alex

This is to alex.

HELLA

This is the shirt I made. my favorite shirt.


I guess thats all for now... comment, I guess? I'll post again later.
Call on me...

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