But she should be used to my lying. Well that isn't true because I am not used to hers. I am just less suprised.
So last night I went to the Crib. Gad I remember why I never go to that damn place any more. It wasn't even like I wanted to go all that bad, I just wanted to go because I didn't want to be in the house any more. I mean, it would have been nice if I had something... anything other to do but I didn't and i wasn't going to sit at home by myself and just think about how she used to be here... and now she's there... with Jing.
I am using Crest White Strips... Should this be hurting my gums? I don't know.
So any ways, after an hour of contemplating, Tony and I decided, fuck it... we aren't doing anything any ways so Fiona came and picked us up (random I know... i only see that girl like once every 6 months or so. but I have known her for days). And then we get to the club. I thought it was cute because I was trying to drink at home while waiting for Fiona and I am walking out the door and my mom asks me,
"What's in the bag?"
"It's for Tony."
And then she took it because even though we weren't driving and she is OK with us drinking she didn't want us drinking in the car or be in the car with an opened bottle of alcohol. I wasn't so much mad because I didn't really care. I just thought it was hella cute.
So any ways, it took us hella long to parallel park, but then again I was just impatient because I was cold. And then I was already buzzed... but I think the club killed my buzzed. We stayed in line for a while. You know, I have a hard time reading Fiona. She's flirty but not at the same time. I am not into her or anything like that... no. But I think she is just flirty with me randomly, I dont know if she is just cold and friendly or just friendly flirting? I dont know. she was like cuddling up on me because it was cold outside and I dont want to be a jack ass and be like, "Um... what are you doing?" because what if she was just really cold? Well whatever.
So we get in the club and it was an automatic buzz kill. The only good thing is that I saw HELLA folks from my past. It was Khai, her thing Jan, Mary, Av, Destiny, I saw Rose from High school, I saw Kaymae and her girlfriend... Annie? I saw Stella and her girlfriend Toni and I saw Anjo. I saw Cua and her best friend. I saw Damien... I love that boy. I think he is so adorable. I saw... some of Teya's gay friends. I saw Michelle... Kaymae's best friend who used to think i was cute from Vallejo, she is all "Studded out now". I re-net Paono? I dont know how to spell her name. i dont know why everyone thinks I fucking look like Z, she hella looks like Z. Donna was there too. ASnd Emma from my gay Lit course. And we also saw Tino.
I don't know. I was either not drunk enough or not gay enough. But I wasn't as pissed off as I was when I used to go to the club. I just wasn't having that much fun. But I did have a lot of fun watching people.
I thought it was amusing that I was in the smoking section, and some gay boy taps me and says, "Hey. I know you."
"... I think I've smoked with you before. Do you know Aj?"
.... I really need to get the fuck out of the bay area.
So there was this drunk ass girl at the club. What the gay boy said just summarizes it all.
"Ew girl, how you gunna go to the club and get all fucked up? Look at you, just laying out in front of the club throwing up and convulsing and shit. Girl you are in company, and you be looking like a hot mess. Look you don't even have no shoes on or nothing. mm uh... now the ambulance is here. Shiet."
I want to adpot that gay boy.
The Whitening strips are making my drool and it tastes bad.
Khai was drunk and rolling. Tell me why she comes up to me and just hugs me,
"Bes... I am so sorry about what happened with Monica. I tried to stay neutral but what she did was so fucked up. And I didn't handle is right... I'm so sorry bes. I can beat her ass if you want. I mean you are so prettier than Jing." I just rolled my eyes and told her to shut up and walked off. I mean really what the fuck was I going to say? I was just trying to kick it without having to have Monica be brought up but there she was again.
And I was in the smoking section looking at this girl in a bra and panties and hooker boots and I was just talking, "Damn she's hella tall"
And Mary looks over and looks back at me and goes,
"Um... that's not a girl"
I couldn't believe it. She... he... it was very convincing. I really just had a hard time believing it.
Jose was there trying to cause hella drama for Tony. I was irritated with him. I was like Ugh. Whatever.
There was some drama, but whenever it started I would just walk off. I really didn't want to babysit, or any thing. I mean for the most part I didn't even like any one.
We got home about 4am. I didn't call Monica on purpose. She wanted me to call her, but I didn't. I will admit it was half because she used to promise to call or text me when she would get to Sac from work or get to Sac from my house and she would always forget or I would have to check with her and she would be like "yea I am here". But also I didn't because I want to stop being that way with her. The way we are going I can see us being Zendie and Stella and that's not what I want. I would rather not have Monica in my life then go through the longestes 4 year break up thing that they are doing. I know she cares and everything but I... I dont know. I love that she cares but I dont know if I want it. She left me for jing, and now she feels guilty? Now she is going to start giving a damn about what I do? No... I dont want to be like that. When I think about how I want Monica to care for me I want her to care for me and be my girlfriend... and then I think about how that's jing now. That's fucking jing now.
Monica went to another club last night. She said it was lame. Why did I so badly want to tell her to get the fuck used to it because she dates one of the biggest scene kids ever? They always claim to "not be in the scene" but Jing and Monica are just as in the scene as Mary Av and Khai.... who all claim to not be in the scene as well. What the fuck ever. You all go to clubs, whether it is the ones all the downs are at or if you are at a straight up. you are all always drunk off your fucking asses every weekend. You are always on drugs. And then? You bitch about how you are scrapping by life. Fuck I wonder why.
I saw Dom today. It was great. I miss that kid so much. Dom was like my little gay cousin. She was such a homebody before but now she is all city kid. I think that's great though. She really came out of her shell. What's discouraging is the fact that she isn't in the scene at all.. the gay scene, but she knows everyone's business and everyone knows hers, or at least heard of hers. I am just thinking, I can't fucking escape! It was nice to see her though. She knew about the Monica thing. Should I be suprised at all? I dont know. I miss DOm though, I am supposed to go kick it with her next week. We'll see if that happens because Jen will be home next week too and I am hoping to kick it with her the most. And David of course.
SO I know that I want out. I mean I am not really involved with the "scene" in any sense. I don't club. I don't go to the BBq's or the parties or the kick its. I get dragged maybe once in a while, and I have a horrible time each time.
"There's my girlfriend and Christina, god they are so drunk"
"are they going to beat me up for being in the car with you?"
"no. Course not. .........Wait. Lock your doors."
haha that was great though.
But I know that if I do anything because Tony would be in my life until oneof us dies, Khaii is bound to hear about somethings and then if Khai knows something the fucking scene will know. And you know what? I really don't care all that much, I mean their opinions about me just make me feel better because I dont know their shit and I dont care about it either. If they want to know my shit and sit there and talk about it, then I guess I am just something to talk about.
But I just want to move because if I don't I will be in this town forever. This is my hometown and I love it and hate it at the same time. I don't want to be like everyone else in the downescene. The four year community college plan. living at home into my twenties. Working jobs that high school students have. I don't want to be Jing. I don't want to be Wena. I dont want to be any of them. I just want to get out and have a place to come back to and call home, but at least broaden my horizons... I need to get out so bad that I am screaming inside.
This the town I grew up in. I've watched these hills demolished into shopping malls. I have watched class after class graduate. I have watched houses being built on what used to be my playground. I have lost touched with many and watched other's lives change. This is my home, but it can't be where I stay. I need to leave this town. I need to give somewhere else a fucking chance. I don't want to be like her never leaving I've only known and then get stuck here. I don't want to do that. I need to travel. I need to leave.
I know I can move in with Alex and Tiffany for a while. Maybe in 09. Or maybe Sept 08 if I don't get into school. The only thing keeping me is my job. I do NOTHING... and it is amazing. I love it I make more money then a some parents... and do a hell of a lot less then my friends. I dont know. I can't wait to leave for Amsterdam. I am going to be so lonely but I need it. I wish I could take Tony... I really wish I could take Monica but she is what I am running from.
So now that I have caught up on the surface... What's really going on?
I used to be so upset when I would think about how jing replaced me. It would make me just lay in bed and cry. I would be throwing things and smoking and talking it out with any friend that I would have and just a bunch of things would go wrong. And that is when I would not be talking to her. You know? This is when I would be just focusing on cutting her out of my life. How I would be focusing so hard on just getting her out, how I needed to go on without her because that was what she was doing with me. But now what the fuck happened?
I saw her. I can't believe it, but it just changed everything.
I was thinking about everything. Still sorting out whether or not I want her to be in my life. She is right, we invested so much into each other, so much emotion and so much time and effort and everything... do I really want to throw that all away? The truth is, she already threw that all away when she chose to be with jing while she was still living at my house. She says that she never wanted to hurt me but she knew what the fuck she was doing. If I said that I fucked someone while I was with Monica, and I used the excuse,
"I never wanted to hurt you, it just happened and I wish it didn't."
That would never fly.
I wish I was stronger... but I still want her in my life. Monica knows this. I thought that she knew me when she was talking about how Wendy was calling me at night and in the morning... I thought that she really just knew me and it meant so much to me, but then I find out that it was because she was checking my fucking call logs. Cheater. Deceitful... really.
If it wasn't so cold I would just go for a walk. I would just walk out the house with a pack of smokes and just a lighter and just walk. I just need that time to think.
But now, I am running back to Monica. I was being flirty. And now, instead of hating her... I am missing her so much. And then I think about how she is with jing now. How she used to come home to me. How we used to skip out on clubs and things because we just wanted to stay home together. How we used to wake up together and go to her family's house together, and now... it's all with jing. And Monica claims that she didn't take my place? How the fuck can she even say that?! How! It is so apparent.
What's so sad is that I am so sad right now and the only person i want to call is Monica but there is no point.
She keeps saying that she is going to come out here. To hang out with me. It's been 2 months she's been saying that. Why the fuck do I still have this hope that she is going to?
I am so tired of always being hurt by Monica. I thought that I would get over it and I could be her friend but all it is, is me getting hurt by her all over again.
The thing is, Monica is selfish in asking me for a friendship this early on, while she is still with jing... but it's not her fault. It's my own because I want this friendship. I want her in my life more than I need her out.
She has no idea how much pain I am in because I hide behind Wendy. She thinks she has an idea of what I am going through but she has no fucking clue. I let her see what I want her to see. Like this journal entry. This is because I want her to know all these things. But I don't know what to do with it. What the fuck am I supposed to do? The first thing she is going to say is that she will stop calling me and texting me and that she didn't mean to hurt me. But to me that only proves that she wasn't listening. I don't know what I want her to do. I dont know if I want her in or out. Nothing is going to erase what she did or how much it hurts. Why the fuck does it still hurt?
Why can't I cry any more? It really just got to the point where I can't even cry anymore. There just doesn't seem to be a point to it any more.
How she can be happy with jing is beyond me. In the words of Dom,
"Damn. she hella downgraded."
I wonder if Monica realizes that. I know she knows on the inside, she knows jing better than any one... I wonder if she is preparing herself for that relationship. And I wonder why she was so quick to replace me with her...
I really wish I could cry. I think it hurts more that I can't.